my very last opportunity to pick up the phone and listen to your voice.

this time, right now. twelve months ago.

that was the last time your advice could problem solve any complications occurring in my life, the last time you could tell me about your day and listen to how i spent mine in return. this was
the last chance i had to say good night to you.

death is an incomprehensible term. it is permanent, undeniably definitive and infinitely concrete yet i move through the days convincing myself that you’ll be back soon. i envision you somewhere temporary, out of reach just enough where i can’t grab hold of you. when my eyes are closed i see you standing there at arms length but i unsuccessfully gain the strength required to reel you in towards me.

there is a shift in brain chemistry that exists within me now; a lack of oxygen, a substantial confusion, a blur so distinctively correlated to being under the influence while simultaneously lacking any presence of drugs in my system. i had forgotten how heavy weakness feels, how difficult it is to carry the weight of a body that does not want to move.

i watch as the morning sun turns into nightfall uninterruptedly. i am aware that the world is moving around me, however, i remain immobile. my feet are cemented onto a pendulum moving solely between different shades of darkness.

every ounce of matter that exists within my body plummeted onto the floor the moment i was told you were gone. the confining gravity that held my body pinned to that floor was full of an irreversible dissociation. hollowed out, disintegrated. i laid there on the ground in a position i do not recall collapsing into. my voice frail yet deafening all at once. the life that i had lived for twenty-eight years remains on that same ground resembling a shadow outlined into an irremovable stain in the shape of who i once was.

i now stand curtailed within the walls of a different body, inside of a perpetual off-kilter universe. the monotony of voices asserting “it will get better” insignificantly echos within the perimeter of my brain as i try to stay afloat with paralyzed limbs. time is not healing, time is bringing you further away from me.

my body is impenetrable as there remains nothing left in me to pierce.

i miss watching the freckles on your hands dance around as you tapped the steering wheel to the beat of the radio. i miss making you laugh. i miss your untouchable thoughtfulness, your inclusion. i miss how you successfully made me feel close to home no matter where i was living. i miss telling you about the places i have traveled, the new faces i had met, the places i can’t wait to see next. i miss how happy you were witnessing me independently break boundaries neither of us thought i ever could.

my consciousness rewinds back to this time last year as i make sure that phone call never ends. i would keep you on the other line by describing the vision i have for my wedding because i can’t believe we never talked about that before. i would tell you the name i chose for my future daughter, having already given her our shared middle name. i would make sure that you know the reason i am strong enough to prosper in each place i relocate primarily aligns with the mirrored reflection of your fearlessness. i would keep you on that phone and make you reveal more about your teenage years, your proudest moments, the times you laughed the deepest.

i need to believe that there is still a chance i can go back and help you, to stop you from leaving.

the contrast between intentional denial and psychological denial is undifferentiated, i am engulfed within a whirlpool of both. i have spent an entire year decaying and collapsing within an incurable numbness and although my physical form is present, this shift will never realign. you and i have both disappeared together.