‘til this day it exists vividly in my mind.

the moment she sat me down on our living room couch to inquire about an unsettling feeling that only a mothers intuition would gravitate toward. she addressed the topic in a compassionate and calm manner leading her to question whether or not someone was hurting me. having no physical injury to display and unable to comprehend the pretext of this question, she explained that pain can be felt without visual traces. she provided a safe space for me to answer the question that any parent fears the answer to: was there anyone in my life who made me feel unsafe with the specificity of actions that were not welcomed. internal discomfort was something i was silently battling yet somehow she saw this unspoken struggle within me echoing loudly. she knew my answer before the words were said aloud and it was in this very moment she saved my life. it was in this instance that time and space became irremediable.

there are inevitable feelings of confusion when a man who is expected to provide protection decides to intentionally provide discomfort disguised as safety. as a child, i was undoubtedly deceived. there was no possible or comprehensible belief that a family member would purposefully hurt me therefore i succumbed to this falsified definition of security and reassurance of normalcy. it was not until this moment with my mother that i began to understand the unfortunate misguided and manipulated interpretation of love that i believed to be true.

my mother sought justice and fought on my behalf with such strength and resilience, resulting in a guilty plea. with that being accomplished she in turn protected me from the distress of testifying within the walls of a courthouse and for that i am eternally grateful. we planned to move forward in the freedom that came with knowing he was in a locked facility, this allowed me to feel comfort as i could now exist in a world where I did not fear crossing paths with him again. nonetheless, this sense of relief was short lived. a convicted sex offender, a man who publicly admitted to this horrid testimony, was released early from his sentence on a credited good behavior act. my grandfather spent a full twenty-four days in prison. that was his punishment for the actions that inevitably and forevermore tainted my childhood and altered the rest of my life.

growing up and growing old has been challenging. there are times where i am surrounded by extraordinary people in unforgettable places however i feel incredibly alone. there have been times i was provided everything i needed in order to be healthy but i chose to be unsuccessful instead. there have been times where i decided tomorrow was not a place i wanted to exist and i went to great lengths to put meaning to that. it was not until my teenage years that i fully began to comprehend the reality of what happened to me. i knew what occurred in my childhood was wrong but i was not able to see the impact it had until i was old enough to want love for myself firsthand. how do i allow myself to exist in an intimate moment with a man after my mind has been so conditioned to believe that his hand on my body is criminal?

i have found acceptance in my past, however, that does not mitigate the struggle. i still find myself combatting the belief that my ability to be intimate is indefinitely erased, heavily believing the tenderness love is purposed for will never be understood in my subconscious. that belief is not derived from the lack of love someone is able to provide to me but rather rooted through my experience with it. before i ever had the possibility to know what real love felt like i was already deprived of its ability to be something beautiful.

grief and isolation will remain fluent in my life and i have accepted that. i have found through these years that understanding myself is where my succession lies. creating a sense of independence and alignment with who i am as a person has allowed space for me to break through a barrier of seclusion that i never imagined i would be capable of overcoming. i spent countless days in agonizing discomfort, fearful to provide anything more than surface level information to the outside world. i was internally buried under a very heavy platform of confusion, stagnation and sadness. i became dissatisfied with myself at the expense of someone else’s actions, repulsed with the burden of existing in this body that had been so unwillingly violated. i cycled through heavy forms of animosity before recognizing the shame i was living with was an unfair justification for my problems, i did not deserve to resent myself in that way. it soon became necessary to make the decision to detach the bricks piling up beneath the surface, confront them at face value and allow myself to understand why i was carrying that weight around. i had to make this choice or else the heaviness was going to continue to chaotically accumulate, ultimately and indefinitely immobilizing me. i was forced to find myself, face myself and learn to accept the path that was given to me. this process of mindfulness took many persistent years of self awareness and devotion to who i wanted to become. this dedicated road to clarity was exhausting and strenuous but surrendering was not an option, i was finally in control of my life.

i share my story today in hopes of creating a platform for others to confidently believe they are not in solitary. i also share my story for those who cannot relate to this pain but are trying to understand it in the perspective of a loved one. i am confident we are all aware that sexual violence exists yet we are not always conscious of the lifelong effects that flood the aftermath diversely in each person. the abuse may not be presently occurring but that does not erase the recall. be patient with your partner. there will be moments that are out of their control. there will be moments where the intimacy will grow too strong and their body will reject your touch. emotional and internal pain may mirror silent and distant behaviors. this nonacceptance that you may feel from your loved one in these moments is the result of an uncontrollable recollection that you may not be able to heal for them, and that is okay.

this is not your fault. remember to acknowledge that this is also not their fault.

continue to show patience for your partner as well as yourself, recognizing that your love is restoring and redefining their meaning of safety.

i find pride within the distance i have traveled to reach comfort in speaking openly about my journey but i am not blinded to the stigma that comes along with sexual assault victims. some hear my story and alter how they speak to me, exemplifying pity and caution as if suddenly needing to move discreetly in my presence. others assume my ability to move on from what occurred is simplistic because the abuse ended twenty years ago. there are also those who believe trauma weakens the brain and makes a person fragile, as if my headspace is surrounded by glass walls that require consistent stillness in fear of shattering. it is important to understand that painful situations do not create damaged people. resiliency is remarkable and trauma can construct untouchable strength designed solely for the purpose of unbreakability.

to those who have shared your story i stand beside you. i stand with your ability to encourage others to illuminate with strength and not with resentment, to move forward with purpose and reconstruction.

to those who silently struggle, you are not isolated. we all stand with you and i encourage you to move at your own pace. it does not matter the speed in which you move but you must always remember to move consistently, move willfully and move in a forward motion.

may you never allow anyone other than yourself to narrate your life. your trauma is a small sentence, it is never your storyline.